JOKE #1: During a 1-st year MBBS Practical gross Anatomy Examination : A Specimen of the uterus is kept for discussion and the student is unable to identify it. The examiner gives him a clue.
EXAMINER :"Man, this is something that neither You nor I have."
STUDENT :"It's a brain, Sir!!
!!! COMMANDMENTS FROM BUSINESS ICONS !!!
1) CHANGE BEFORE YOU HAVE TO - JACK WELCH*
2) DON'T BE AFRAID TO MAKE A MISTAKE. BUT MAKE SURE YOU DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE TWICE - AKIO MORITA*
3) IF YOU CAN "DREAM IT" YOU CAN DO IT - WALT DISNEY*
4) NOTHING WORTH WHILE WILL EVER BE ACHIEVED WITHOUT DEEP THOUGHT AND HARDWORK - J.R.D TATA*
5) THE FIRST MAN GETS THE PEARL IN THE OYSTER.THE SECOND MAN GETS THE SHELL - ANDREW CARNEGIC*
6) THERE IS ONE RULE FOR INDUSTRIALISTS AND THAT IS : MAKE THE BEST QUALITY OF GOODS POSSIBLE, AT THE LOWEST COST POSSIBLE, PAYING THE HIGHEST WAGE POSSIBLE - HENRY FORD*
7) YOUR MEN WILL BE AS LOYAL TO YOU AS YOU ARE TO THEM - A.V.BIRLA*
8) BUSINESS IS BEST DONE FROM DIVISIONS, NOT FROM CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS - ALFRED SLOAN*
#1 WAITING FOR TONIGHT - JENNIFER LOPEZ \\$$ #2 BABY ONE MORE TIME - BRITNEY SPEARS $$$ #3 THAT DON'T IMPRESS ME MUCH - SHANIA TWAIN $$$$ #4 BELIEVE - CHER $$$ #5 PARTY PARTY - VENGA BOYS $$ #6 TRAGEDY - STEPS $$$$ #7 DREAMLAND - ROBERT MILES $$$$ #7 I STILL HAVE NOT FOUND - U2 $$$$ #8 PART I ENIGMA $$$$ #9 CANDLE IN THE WIND ELTON JOHN $$$$ #10 INSTRUMENTAL - SA TRINCHA $$
THEME MUSIC : TITANIC, GOLDEN EYE, MISSION IMPOSSIBLE-I & GOOD BAD UGLY.
JOKE #2:
ONE BRIGHT, BEAUTIFUL SUNDAY MORNING, EVERYONE IN A TINY TOWN GOT UP EARLY AND WENT TO THE LOCAL CHURCH. BEFORE THE SERVICE STARTED, THE TOWN'S PEOPLE WERE SITTING IN THEIR PEWS AND TALKING ABOUT THEIR LIVES, THEIR FAMILIES, ETC.
SUDDENLY, SATAN APPEARED AT THE FRONT OF THE CHURCH. EVERYONE STARTED SCREAMING AND RUNNING FOR THE FRONT ENTRANCE, TRAMPLING EACH OTHER IN A FRANTIC EFFORT TO GET AWAY FROM THE EVIL INCARNATE. SOON EVERYONE WAS EVACUATED FROM THE CHURCH, EXCEPT FOR ONE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN WHO SAT CALMLY IN HIS PEW, NOT MOVING....SEEMINGLY OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT THAT GOD'S ULTIMATE ENEMY WAS IN HIS PRESENCE.
NOW THIS CONFUSED SATAN A BIT, SO HE WALKED UPTO THE MAN AND SAID, "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM"?
THE MAN REPLIED, "YEP, SURE DO"
SATAN ASKED, "AREN'T YOU AFRAID OF ME ?"
"NOPE, SURE AIN'T" SAID THE MAN.
SATAN WAS A LITTLE PERTURBED AT THIS AND QUERIED,"WHY AREN'T YOU AFRAID OF ME ?"
THE MAN CALMLY REPLIED, "BEEN MARRIED TO YOUR SISTER FOR OVER 48 YEARS".
JOKE #3:
A MAN WALKS INTO A DOCTOR'S OFFICE. HE HAS A CUCUMBER UP HIS NOSE, A CARROT IN HIS LEFT EAR AND A BANANA IN HIS RIGHT EAR.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME DOCTOR?" HE ASKED.
"YOU ARE NOT EATING PROPERLY!" REPLIED THE DOCTOR.
<<< PAST...<<< PRESENT >>>... FUTURE >>>
THE PAST :
USE IT AS A SPRING BOARD TO LEAP TOWARDS THE FUTURE. UNLESS WE BREAK WITH THE HABITS AND BELIEFS OF THE PAST,THERE IS LITTLE HOPE OF ADVANCING RAPIDLY TOWARDS THE FUTURE. LET THE PAST BE PAST AND CONCENTRATE ONLY ON THE PROGRESS YOU WANT TO MAKE.
THE PRESENT : AS THE PAST NO LONGER EXISTS AND THE FUTURE DOES NOT YET EXIST, THE MOST IMPORTANT MOMENT NOW IS THE PRESENT. THE SAME MINUTE NEVER STRIKES TWICE ON THE CLOCK OF FATE.
THE FUTURE :
BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO TAKE A GIANT LEAP TOWARDS THE FUTURE. NO ENTERPRISE CAN FLOURISH UNLESS IT IS PROGRESSIVE. GO FORWARD TOWARDS PERFECTION. ANYTHING NEW IS MET WITH OPPOSITION.YIELDING TO OPPOSITION THWARTS GROWTH. KEEP ADVANCING.EACH YEAR THAT PASSES MUST BE MARKED BY A NEW PROGRESS TO WORK PERFECTION. LET US PROGRAMME OURSELVES, IT IS THE BEST WAY OF MAKING ONE'S PROGRESS
JOKE #4:
There was a small boy who kept biting his nails.His mother warned him that if he did'nt stop he'd get like that (pointing to a pregnant woman sitting opposite in the bus).
From them on , the boy never too his gaze off the woman's belly, until in the end she angrily said: "Little boy why are you staring at me?"
Down the crowded bus rang his reply: "Because I know how you got that."
JOKE #5:
The Doctor on his round was surprised when three teenagers lying in a row said that their due date of delivery was April 12. The Doctor asked one of the girls whether the same date held for the expectant mother in the opposite bed.
The girl answered innocently that she did'nt know as the other woman had'nt attended the same party as the three teenagers!
JOKE #6:
What did the insurance agent say to Adam & Eve? Ans. " I can see you are not covered."
JOKE #7:
Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: That's correct.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Well then, were there any girls?
JOKE #8:
Michael, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of
birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester,
Michael spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly
memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Michael was ready.
The morning of the test, Michael entered the auditorium and took
a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row
of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its
body, and only the legs were showing. When class started,
the professor announced that the students were to identify
each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name,
species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Michael looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the
same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all
night studying for this test and now he had to identify
birds by their LEGS?
The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he
got. Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up,
marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam
paper and threw it on the desk.
"What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could
anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at
their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever
seen!"
With that, Michael turned and stormed toward the exit. The
professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to
regain his composure. Then, just as Michael was about to walk
out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young
man, what's your name?"
Michael turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered,
"You tell me, professor! You tell me!"
JOKE #9:
Wife came into the room with her hair in pink plastic curlers.
Husband asked, "What happened to your head?"
Wife : "I set it."
Husband : "What time does it go off?"
Who has not hoped -
To outrage an enemy's dignity? -
Who has not been swept -
By the wish to hurt? -
And who has not thought that the impersonal world -
Deserves no better than to be destroyed -
By one fabulous sign of his displeasure?" --J BRONOWSKI* , The Face of Violence
Its the action, not the fruit of the action, that s important. You have to do the right thing. It may not be in your power, may not be in your time, that there will be any fruit. But that does not mean you stop doing the right thing. You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result. --MAHATMA GANDHI*
Between a battle lost and a battle won, the distance is immense and there stand empires. --NAPOLEAN*
Be more concerned about your character than about your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputaton is merely what others think of you.
JOKE #10:
There are three engineers in a car. An electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car stopped by the road side. The three engineers looked at each other wondering what could be wrong? The electrical engineer suggests, "stripping down the electronics of the car and try to trace where the fault could be". The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggested "that may be the fuel becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere". Then the software engineer came out with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all windows, getout and again get back in and open the windows again? may be, it will work".
JOKE #11:
Two friends were eating apples happily. Suddenly one of them went sad the second one asked him the reason. He said, " I found a big worm in my apple". The second one replied "Be happy, I can see big half worm in my apple".
JOKE #12:
Once President A visited another country and President B of that country wanted to show him how developed his country was. He took Mr. A to a jungle and asked his people to dig there. After digging 200 feet they all could see a wire in the ground. Then, Mr. B said proudly. " See, see, 200 years back only our people used telephones". Mr. A too wanted to prove his country's greatness. He took him to his country, asked his men to dig 400 feet. No wires were found. Then he said very proudly "see we used wireless 400 years back itself".
Kindness in words create confidence, Kindness in thinking creates profoundness,
Kindness in giving creates love.
W O R K God created man to work. Work is worship. Achieve, Fulfil, anything and everything by 'Working' If you are poor - Work , If you are rich - Work If failure discourages you - Work , If success encourages you - Work. If you want your dreams come true - Work
Work is the greatest 'stress reliever' Work is the mightiest 'moral booster' Work is the best 'boredom beater' Work is the greatest solution for all problems. So, Work, Work, Work, and Work with Sincerity.
JOKE #13:
How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or
an airline stewardess?
A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're
going to have to do this over and over
again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this
over your mouth and nose, and breath
normally."
JOKE #14:
One evening, a man entered a bar did a somersault in mid air and landed on a bar stool. The bartender was astonished. Then another man entered, did a double somersault in mid air and landed on a bar stool. The bartender was dumbfounded. Then another entered did a triple somersault and landed on a bar stool. This time the bartenders curiosity got the better of him, and he asked the third man, "hey, that was damn good! Are you guys from the circus?" The man replied "I don't know about those two, but I just tripped on the door mat."
JOKE #15:
Consider a case of the illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream , and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS.Sure is hot down here.
JOKE #16:
A woman walked in a busy butchers shop. Looking at
the meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed
hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one leg,
sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it, did
the same thing with the wings, sniffed them also. Just
as she finished sniffing the second wing, the butcher
walked up to her and said:
Lady, could you pass such a test?
JOKE #17:
A heaven joke, a long one but a good one.
Three men were standing in line to get to heaven. Apparently
it had been a busy day, so St. Peter told them that heaven
was full, and asked each one for his story.
The first man replies:" For a while I suspected my wife was
cheating on me, so I came home early and try to catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I sensed
something was wrong, but I couldn't find where this other man
could have been hiding. Finally, I went to the balcony, and
sure enough, there was this man, hanging from the railing. I
was mad by then, so I started stomping and kicking him. But
he would not fall off. So I then went for my hammer and
started to hammer his fingers. He could not stand that, so he
finally fell, but to the bushes, stunned but okay. I could not
stand it anymore, so I went to the kitchen and grabbed the
fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him,
killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me,
and I had a heart attack and died on the balcony."
So St. Peter concludes that was a bad story, and let him
in. Now he asks the second man for his story, and he
says:" I live on the 26th floor of an apartment, and I do my
exercises every morning on the balcony. Well, I must have
slipped or something, next thing I know I am hanging from
the balcony of the floor below me. Suddenly this man burst
out to the balcony, I thought I was saved, when he started
to stomp and kick me! I held on the best I could, when he
went for his hammer and started hammering my fingers .I
of course, let go, and was lucky to fall to the bushes in the
ground below, stunned but all right. Then suddenly just as
I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
Falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and I
am here now."
Once again St. Peter had to concede that his story was a
pretty horrible story, and lets the second man in. In comes the
third man to the front of the line, and the whole process is
repeated. St. Peter asks the third man for his story:
"Picture this" says the third man, "I am hiding naked inside a
refrigerator...."
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" LAUGHTER - THE BEST MEDICINE " 
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Who has not hoped -
To outrage an enemy's dignity? -
Who has not been swept -
By the wish to hurt? -
And who has not thought that the impersonal world -
Deserves no better than to be destroyed -
By one fabulous sign of his displeasure?"